Dating, it’s what I do. I’ve written about it, studied it, definitely practiced it, and I’m still not exactly sure I’m an expert on it. I keep boldly jumping back out there in hopes that it will someday make sense and maybe a little bit because, well, men are fun!  So as always, let’s just take a trip through my stream of consciousness and share the journey together. 

I get asked a lot, especially from men in my generation (I’m VERY early 40s people) how do I go about finding dates.  My answer for 90% of my dating experience is……apps.  Stop rolling your eyes.  It’s true, most the dating apps are all about hooking up, which is super fun, but not if your intention is to date with a hope of finding something more meaningful. 

That word is the key, intention.  My friends tease me all the time for the amount of dating apps I have.  I freely admit that if it’s an app for gay men then I have it.  I’m surprised my phone doesn’t crash regularly from the weight of all those men.  (Give me a second while I enjoy that sentence a bit more……ok, back).  I see apps as tools, they are a means to an end and the “end” is completely of your choosing.  We love to blame the apps for everything from our lack of dating to the shallowness of gay men to why I have not had time to fix my damn refrigerator from leaking.  That last one might be more a “me” thing than you but you get the picture.  So, let me tell you what has made me successfully transition from just meaningless… hot… sweaty… hookups, to actually going on dates looking for something more.

The first thing I had to do was check myself, because most assuredly I will wreck myself at any given opportunity.  Only you know what your intentions are when you touch that phone and a world of gay men pop up on your screen.  Be honest! What are you there for?  If it’s sex there’s no shame in that, but don’t go all “embittered queen” if that is all you find.  No one is responsible for your intentions or how true you are to them but yourself.  It can take some discipline.  Listen, hot men are very tempting, but if you want more, then you must get in it for the long game (super proud of my sports reference there!).

The second thing is to commit to being bold.  Start conversations, engage in ones that are started with you.  I steer away from talking about sex.  I know exactly where that leads me and because my intention currently is to go for more I stay focused on that.  If someone asks you out then say YES.  You don’t know what may happen.  If you like a conversation then ask them out.  The important thing is to be open and be bold.

In the end whether you are on Grindr, Growlr or Scruff, or even that great new app you may have seen on here, W l Bear, they are only as good as you want them to be.  Dating is truly not rocket science, it can be confusing and messy, exciting and fun.  So, if that is what you want then the only thing stopping you honestly is you!  The apps are not intrinsically good or bad, just for sex or just for dating, they simply are.  Use them for what your intentions are. 

Getting that date from your favorite app is only the beginning! Don’t get lazy, I may just have some tips to help you keep that date fresh and memorable.  Stay tuned for next week’s article about creative dating, but until then I have a knight in shining pick-up truck in my future for date number two!  Guess where I met him?

Lead photo credit: Katie Hartwig